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Married personals ads

Married personals ads

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I ran “Vengeance of the Nerds” without the swimming pool, and got one response. With the pool I got fifteen responses. Now I know what women want.

I made a mistake running the following private ad:

HIGH-TECH REDNECK Million-dollar Los Gatos home with junk cars in yard. Italian suits, cowboy boots. Likes country music.

I’d thought that country songs were made up. I thought that the women in the songs weren’t real. Then they all called me.

I wrote this private ad for two dogs that needed a home:

TWO Chicks. One blonde, other black-haired. Fun-loving. Love long walks on the beach, convertible cars, and strenuous petting. Loyal, good listeners. Both have four paws and adorable floppy ears.

An alternative newspaper rejected the following individual ad:

Joy GOTH Man Look: tall, skinny, pallid, black leather. Attitude: dominance. Music: The Damned, Killing Joke, Bach organ fugues. Hobbies: collecting memorabilia from serial killers, laughing maniacally in inappropriate circumstances, putting the “joy” back into “funeral.” Can I bite your neck on the very first date?

This will date me, but I recall when alternative newspapers didn’t have decency standards.

Less than 1% of married couples met via private ads (see “Where Couples Met,” page 90). Only 2% of short-term sexual relationships embarked with a private ad. Less than one in 500 online individual ad users finds a fucking partner. 23% haven’t gotten a date in over a year. [1]

Individual ads are, in general, a poor way to find a mate. This is partly because many people write poor ads, and then place them in the wrong venues. The right ad in the right venue can work.

Conversation Starters Edit

Write your private ad around conversation starters. E.g., writing that you’re fresh in town prompts a multitude of questions, such as “Where did you stir from?”

In contrast, writing “I love sitting by a fireplace, talking about everything and nothing,” prompts no responses.

Imagine that an individual approaches you at a party. Write out a conversation about yourself that fascinates this person. Now condense your responses into two or three sentences.

Imagine telling each sentence to a stranger. What would the person say in response? If you can’t imagine a meaningful response, take out the sentence.

Now highlight every bragging point. Add self-deprecating humor. E.g., one of my ads said that I lived in a million-dollar home. I then added “with junk cars in the yard.”

Run your ad through your word processor’s spelling checker. Then run it through a grammar checker (in Microsoft Word, the grammar checker is under “Implements”). Now look in your Yellow Pages under “Editorial Services.” Pay a professional editor $25 to edit your individual ad. Spelling and grammar errors make you look lazy and stupid. A polished, professional-sounding ad makes you look thirty IQ points smarter.

If you’re in a big city, especially in the north or west, describe your looks and your money in your private ad. In petite cities, especially in the southeast, emphasize emotions and hobbies. [Two]

Disclosure Edit

One of my hobbies is reading private ads from incarcerated women, and then looking up their rap sheets on the World Broad Web. At very first this feels like going to the Humane Society to pick out a puppy. then you realize that these are bad puppies.

E.g., one youthful woman described herself as “fair, intelligent, with a heart of gold.” Her rap sheet says that she’s serving 25 years for homicide. (She was a waitress, so maybe a rude customer didn’t leave her a peak. That’s justifiable homicide, right?)

I’ve read hundreds of individual ads from incarcerated women. Not one mentioned her crime, or anything about prison. The women instead describe themselves as loving long walks on the beach, romantic evenings by the fireplace, etc.

Hiding something unattractive about yourself might increase the number of responses to your private ad, but these relationships will end-fast-when the individuals detect the truth. Potential playmates will see you as having a bad character in addition to having an unattractive feature.

Present your best qualities, but also disclose your unattractive features. Present your unattractive features positively, as a conversation starter. E.g., an incarcerated woman could write that she committed a crime when she was immature, but prison has helped her grow and now she’s sorry for what she’d done. This leads to asking about the crime, what prison has instructed her, etc. You could talk to her for hours.

Disclose an unattractive feature in a way that shows your good character. Showcasing that you have a good character will make people love you. People will then disregard your unattractive features. Ironically, pointing out your faults makes your faults less visible, while hiding your faults makes them more visible.

Select the Right Venue Edit

A magazine writer had less-than-great practices with several big online dating websites. Then he won an eBay auction and paid $550 for a private ad on a hip Fresh York online women’s ‘zine. The ‘zine didn’t usually have individual ads (i.e., his ad was a special feature). The result was 60 e-mails and “lots of” dates with interesting women. [Trio]

Buy an ad in each of the following venues:

  1. A big online dating service or a big local newspaper. Buy a month’s membership. If you don’t get dates within a month, cancel your membership and attempt another website. A few big corporations own many private ad websites, e.g., InterActiveCorp wields Match.com, uDate.com, and Smooch.com, and [email protected], Spring Street Networks runs individual ad websites for Nerve.com, Salon.com, and many others, Lycos possesses Matchmaker.com, Match.net possesses AmericanSingles.com, Jdate.com, and many others.
  2. Specialized online dating services, e.g., BlackSingles.com or 18wheelsingles.com (for truckers). The best directory I’ve found of these websites is the Open Directory Project, dmoz:Society/Relationships/Dating/Personals/
  3. A website or publication that doesn’t have private ads, but attracts the type of person you want to meet (most couples met in “Other,” see page 90). E.g., if you want to meet guys who drive BMW motorcycles, go to the BMW Motorcycle Owners Association website. Ask, beg, and suggest a large pile of cash to the website to run your private ad as a special feature. Suggest that the website run two private ads (one man, one woman) on Valentine’s Day, that they auction the ads on eBay, and that they use the “event” for promotional publicity.

Feedback Ratings Edit

Select an online dating service that has feedback ratings. The only one I know of is http://www.GreatBoyfriends.com/.

On eBay, buyers and sellers leave each other positive, neutral, or negative feedbacks. When you get ten positive feedbacks, eBay puts a gold starlet next to your name. Buyers and sellers know at a glance that you’re trustworthy. If they want to be sure, they can read each comment written about you.

If individual ad websites had feedback, you could select only individuals with a gold starlet. Then you could skip the ads and go straight to the reviews.

Other private ad websites have surreptitious e-mail newsletters reviewing dates. These newsletters are only collective by women, and say only bad things about guys. [Four] This fosters a negative environment.

Checkboxes and Ideal Playmates Edit

Since the 1960s, computer programmers have attempted to find questions that instantly match an individual with his or her flawless mate. This might work for finding friends, but we’re hardwired for sexual attraction to our opposites (see “Pheromones” and “Similarity and Dissimilarity”).

The endless checkboxes on individual ad websites are worthless. We feel passion for individuals who reflect hidden elements of our personalities (see “Adolescent Relationships-Anima and Animus,” page 74). You can’t describe such a playmate, because you can’t see the hidden parts of yourself.

Listing intolerable qualities is also futile. E.g., lounging is intolerable to you. Ask 100 potential mates whether they lie. Everyone will say that they never lie. Or smoking is intolerable to you. You might reject an individual who wants to abandon, but needs a supportive fucking partner.

A better way to describe your ideal playmate is to list your beloved celebrities and why you like them.

Photos Edit

Always provide a photo. Not providing a photo won’t make people think that you have a beautiful mind.

Spend the money for a professional portrait.

Provide extra photos in different environments. E.g., if the very first photo is a studio portrait, provide a 2nd photo playing sports or playing with your nieces and nephews. Provide a full-body photo as well as a head shot.

Lastly, correct the brightness, contrast, and color balance. If you don’t know how to do this, pay a camera dealer or Kinko’s to prepare high-quality digital files.

Women should react to studs’s ads. If you wait for dudes to contact you, you’ll only hear from the guys that no other women want (see “Flirting,” page 99).

A man should place his individual ad in many websites and publications, until he finds a venue in which women contact him.

When responding to an online individual ad, copy your profile and photo into your message. Don’t expect the recipient to go to the website and look up your profile.

Location-Based Cellphones Edit

The newest cellphones have Global Positioning System (GPS) transponders. These cellphones can tell a 911 operator where you are, within a few feet. In a few years, when you join a singles club your cellphone will alert you when you’re near another club member. [7] Your cellphone screen will provide the other person’s profile-and send your profile to him or her. If you want to meet each other, your cellphones will guide you to each other.

On your home computer you’ll select parameters-age, hobbies, etc.-and see a map highlighting where these people are now. E.g., you want to meet older boys who love cooking. On Saturday morning your computer may demonstrate that they’re at the farmer’s market, picking out ripe tomatoes.

Switch sides Individual Ads Edit

You’ll see a list of local events. You’ll check off events you’d like to attend. Then you’ll search for other members who want to attend an event.

E.g., you click on Blues Traveler at the Paramount Theater. You then see all the single fellows or women who are going to the Blues Traveler concert. Because you both want to attend the event, you’re assured a date.

Road Trips Edit

You and other singles fly to a fresh city each month. Single natives of that city have a weekend of group dates planned. You’ll see the glances of a fresh city, and meet fresh people.

One weekend a month, you and singles in your city host a group of singles flying to your city.

Flying Affinity Class Edit

Where are strangers intimately close for far too long? Prisons and Landmark seminars, yes, but these may not be people you want to meet. Instead, fly!

The Wall Street Journal suggests flying very first class to meet the best potential mates. [8]

Airlines should sell affinity class seats. You’d pack out a form listing education, hobbies, marital status, etc. Then you’d select the affinity class passenger you want to sit next to. A good conversation is better than an in-flight movie.

Related movie: www.gmail.com


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